I knew somehow that this year would be different than last year. I just had a feeling it was going to be hard. I knew it would be a year of NOT doing things, a lot of waiting , patiently and impatiently , healing, paying for last year’s experiences.  Last year was not as fun as  than the year before, a lot LESS doing things, more waiting, more restrictions on spending and eating and speaking.  The rising wave of my running and racing and traveling had finally peaked and was on the downside and the next wave was closer to shore and smaller. My body and my bank account were flattened out and were tossed onto the shore with overuse injuries and exhaustion and credit card debt. My family was watching from beach chairs with grim faces. There was one last wave that carried me with my two sons to a snowy vacation in Utah before the ocean went as smooth as a lake.

I’ve written about my ankle injury and having to end my nearly three-year run streak and how difficult that was. I’ve written about feeling caged and trapped in my role as caregiver. I’ve touched on hormone issues. And now I am facing the reality of my age and likelihood that I will be having surgery to deal with some debilitating female issues. Along with this has been a constant battle to remain faithful in trusting God, content and peaceful in my trials and patient with the people in my life that have their own trials and need my help. This stage of life, peri-menopause, has really put my character to the test. God says we will be go through these trials and that He will be with us, but it’s up to us to keep trusting Him. It’s not always easy to fight the fleshly tendency to want to pack a suitcase or backpack and head off into the sunset. I did that once when I was a teenager and it didn’t solve any problems. I had to come back to new ones.

One of my weaknesses is to panic when I feel out of control and right now is a good example of that. I am waiting on test results and a phone call from my doctor and I am not a good waiter. The way doctors drag things out when you are urgently needing some good news is like torture . I’ve already been waiting since last week for my blood test results, and the phone has been silent! But thankfully I do have a habit of asking people to pray for me and today I really felt the prayers and a peace came over me. The peace that passes understanding. This verse is so helpful to me.

⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. ⁵ Let your reasonableness^[d] be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; ⁶ do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:4-7

This new health issue is not really new, it just got worse and has been affecting my daily life, something that I’ve learned from the internet is very common. If you aren’t aware of female health problems, you might be shocked at what woman are suffering through and still going about their lives.  Women are TOUGH!  We know that we have to be tough because most of us do not have anyone willing to take care of us. If I have this surgery, that is a big question mark, who is going to take over my responsibilities while I recovery.  Part of me says everything will work out and I’ll be okay, but the truth is it could be a long haul.  I don’t like long hauls. I want to go run and have fun like I’m 30 years old, but I’m not. Only 100 years ago women of my age were considered pretty ancient. The positive thinking movement likes to ignore the physical changes in mid-life as if they can be wished away, but sadly that is not true. When women , and men, experience decreasing levels of various hormones, we will feel the results in many ways. Some are luckier and more adaptable to change than others and may not notice them so much. I do not want to fade off into the sunset yet ! I was a late bloomer and I still have many goals for myself. In fact I have a lot of stuff on my calendar for the next 4 months.

But, God is in control . He is still on the throne. I can trust him to carry me through whatever he wants me to go through.

UPDATE! I did not end up choosing to have surgery. And I’m glad because I think I might get to the end of the change without needing it. Thank you, Lord!