This topic popped into my head as I was reflecting on how each person in my family responds when I cook dinner or don’t. There are definitely deep emotional needs and conflicts involved.

Food was a big part of my childhood. The frig and pantry were never empty. My mom was a great cook and she cooked everything from scratch, with love as a main ingredient. She made biscuits for breakfast and a full dinner even when she worked. She really did spend a lot of time in the kitchen , it wasn’t just a cliche .

We ate dinner as a family at the dinner table until my older siblings started drifting off to jobs. At least that’s how I remember it. My food memories are happy, but as an adult I developed a pattern of emotional eating, eating to feel good, not just to get fed.

My dad was a bit of a compulsive eater and he had gained some weight in his belly after being slim to average most of his life . (He died young of colon cancer.) I think he overate and drank because he had experienced food scarcity and love insecurity as a child. He loved my mom’s cooking and I think it made him feel loved.

My mom had enough food as a child , but her father was a widower who was strict with his six children. They weren’t snacking or eating for fun. Food was a necessity only. She got married to my dad very young, age 15, and they didn’t have a a lot of money , but they fed their children. My mom ate less than everyone else in our family and I would say she even had a bit of an eating disorder. The only time I saw her body “filled out” was around menopause. She was never overweight.

Feeding her family was always an act of love for my mom. If she thought someone might come over she’d bake chocolate chip cookies or a cake and have a plan for a quick meal. She would get up and cook something for you if you showed up without warning. I picked up those habits from her and I used to equate food with love and care as well, offering food was a habit.

As for my kids, I think they picked up on some of my own worries about my weight when I was in my running and fitness years. I became a bit obsessed with healthy eating and exercise and I talked about it more than I realized. Now they do the same. They also developed a negative reaction to having food “pushed” on them. There is definitely an unhealthy element of control or lack thereof in how some of them eat. It took me awhile to recognize this but now I try not to make them feel like they have to eat something I’ve cooked if they don’t want to. I don’t take it personally at all. The last thing I want to do is control their eating.

My husband is a different type of food person. If he cooks something he is very worried about how it turns out and he wants everyone to give him a review. He’ll fret all day while he smokes a brisket. And if he makes something he wants everyone to taste it and he takes it personally if you don’t. We try to accommodate him because we love him, even though he gets a little overeager.

He was the baby of six children. The way he remembers food is that his mom was more focused on cooking healthy foods. He didn’t eat a lot of fried chicken and biscuits and gravy. And he ate liver. I feel like he felt somewhat deprived. His dad was from Connecticut so they ate a little different than my Southern cooking family. I remember that his parents were on a low fat diet when they were still alive. Personally I don’t think that’s a good idea for older people. Our brains need fat.

We Americans tend to have more of a weight problem than a hunger problem. We have conflicting emotions around food. We struggle more with eating too much than too little. Eating disorders are becoming common. Junk food is causing lifestyle diseases . Having a lot of food options available can be complicated for some people.

As thanksgiving approaches, do you feel excited about the meal or is it problematic?

Is/was eating a big part of your family routine?

What are your emotions around food?

As we think about food, let us be generous and ready to share with others who actually don’t suffer from an abundance of food . They may be in trouble if the politicians can’t find a way to compromise and keep the SNAP program going.