I thought 2000-2002 was bad. My house burned down, my baby was diagnosed with a terrible genetic condition, my dad died suddenly, and my marriage was strained by it all. That was the prequel to 2024.

Back then I never had time to grieve for the loss of security from waking up to our house on fire , the loss of my dad to what seems like malpractice , the loss of my normal baby and normal life. I was too busy creating more chaos by moving to a new town , having more babies , dealing with my husband who was depressed after losing his business, and trying to act like this was all just normal .

But then in 2011 I started running and having fun and making new friends and traveling and feeling good. It was a wonderful time! I didn’t know that it was just a respite from the storm of my life.

Things started to get rocky and I backed off on the running and going places to deal with real life. It was a conscious decision. But it was a huge loss.

The losses started out fairly small . First I lost my running community after Covid , but I could still run. Then I lost the ability to run after I fell and hurt my shoulder. Then I gave up hope of ever running again because when I try it hurts my body. Then I lost being able to go hiking with my husband because he can barely walk with his knee problems.

Then I lost going on weekend getaways with him because he can’t do anything fun anymore so we just don’t go. Then I lost my physique and looks because I wasn’t exercising and I was eating the wrong things and drinking too much and menopause changed my whole body .

Then my mom got sick with ALS and started to weaken , and then Grace died and came back to life and it was all so traumatic, but I had to ignore it and keep going because I had a new job.

I became a prisoner in my own home because I had nowhere to go and no one to take care of Grace and no one to go with anyway .

Then my mom couldn’t talk or walk or eat anymore and she was not herself anymore . Then she died.

I tried to hold on , but I lost myself . I got fat and out of shape and depressed and escaped into conspiracy theories and Netflix binges for hours with my husband because that’s our only shared activity now besides eating.

Yes I was, and am, trusting God and praying and going to church . But I’m allowed to be sad.

And now I am so lonely sometimes being home all the time, and the sadness at the loss of my old life can surprise me when I’m not busy. I don’t even know how to relax or have fun. I’m constantly on alert and having to remind myself to stop holding my breath.

But it is what it is, I tell myself, and I have to accept this is my life now. No going back. Adapt . Accept. Adjust . THIS IS YOUR LIFE . And I am, but when I’m not busy I remember that I haven’t really dealt with all this.

I laugh and smile and joke and cook and clean and work and sing and take walks.

But I’ll never be the same person I was before 2020. I had no time to grieve . I need to grieve so many losses. I lost my identity. My kids are grown and I miss them so freaking much.

But that’s how it’s supposed to work, right? They grow up. They have their own lives. I’m so proud of each one of them! But all these traumas have left a mark on them as well. Knowing this breaks my heart even more.

I have to make a new life now. I like my new job even though it stresses me out worrying about making mistakes. I can easily spend all my time thinking about it. But that’s not healthy either.

I will find balance . God has a plan. Good things are happening even now.

But first I need to grieve and mourn my extreme losses. I need to let myself feel sad so I can be happy again. Just like I did after my dad died and Grace was diagnosed.

I know we all have our trials and it’s just part of life.

Next week my husband goes in to have his kidney removed on Thursday. Please pray for him and the doctor and my family .

His boss set up a GoFundMe . Please, please don’t feel like you have to, but if you want to donate, here’s the link. https://gofund.me/1c522209 Money can’t buy happiness but it can pay bills.

Thanks for reading and God bless!