Who am I? My INFJ Thought Dump

This is a personal blog post. More like a journal. Read on if you want to hear my inner thoughts.

My mom once told me, in response to something I was concerned about, that I am very ‘conscientious’. I think when she said it , she was being nice. She really meant that I am an anxious, over-thinking, worry-wart! Haha! Oh, and she said that many, many years ago. My mom never labeled me as a child, rebellious teen, or anxious new wife and mother with the many labels that I have used on myself, such as fearful, codependent, enabler, addictive personality, obstinate, and all the sub-labels that go with those such as distracted, forgetful, disorganized, scatter-brained, moody, impatient and all that. I also think of myself in more positive terms as non-conformist, freethinker, religious, spiritual, people-person, helper, big picture person, generous, spontaneous, and having endurance. I like working as a team member more than being the leader. If I trust the leader, I am a good follower. But I distrust authority figures that try to control me without respecting my rights to make my own choices. Teachers, doctors, principals, government, and experts have to prove themselves to me to earn my respect. I love learning, but I hate the authoritarian, compulsory public school system. I loved school up until high school when I saw that it was not really serving me anymore. College was great and I wish I could go back.

As for working, it’s complicated. My personality and values do not make it easy for me to find a job that I think is worth doing. I do not like wasting time doing things that I feel are pointless. There is a label for that as well, INFJ. My goal for college was to become a psychologist. Unfortunately, my immaturity, anxiety and childhood co-dependencies and insecurities that I had not yet overcome prevented me from pursuing my masters degree at that time. I was terrified of the process. Now it is just way too expensive for me to do that. If you google INJF, you will see that I am a born counselor, but I also have weaknesses that make me not a great counselor. So I’ve spent my entire life being a counseling friend. I attract and am attracted to people who need help, a listening ear, and advice. But as I’ve matured, I’ve desired that less and less, and actually seek people who do NOT need my help so much, and pursue more equal friendships. However, the tendency is always there to want to help struggling people.

Politically I think you might call me a classical liberal. Based on this definition, yes. I care deeply about people ,and I have learned the hard way that being an enabler is NOT helping people, it’s actually an attempt to control them or shut them up. True love and concern helps people reach their full self-controlled potential. I used to think many Democrat policies were about helping people, but now I see the difference. However, I do not support unbridled greed or monopolies or destroying the water sources or treating people like slaves with no rights. I respect that people have different opinions, beliefs and perspectives but I think there IS a right and wrong in many situations. Truth is NOT relative. Facts and science often change. It is never right to hurt individual people, even if it benefits the group in the long run. Community rights do not trump my individual rights. The state does not CONFER human rights, those are God-given. Yes, I get passionate about my rights, but I will willingly give up my rights for other people if I have the option, but not if I am forced. I’ll give you the shirt off my back, but don’t try to steal it or have the government take it away.

Back to work, which is what spurred me to write today. I often feel like I am not doing enough. Even though I am the main caregiver for my disabled daughter, and homeschooling my two youngest of six children, and a very traditional wife who does all the cooking, cleaning, errands, and whatever my husband needs me to do, I feel like I should be making money somehow. I keep trying to come up with an idea, but I am just not good at that. I sold a bunch of books on ebay over the past few months, but I barely made a profit because I sold them so cheaply. I’ve done odd jobs, babysat, tried to sell MLM products, but never made any real money since I’ve been married. Sigh. I feel bad about that. I am not lazy! I just need someone to get me started. I can’t seen to find my way. Then I think that maybe this is where God wants me and I stop worrying about it for awhile until it comes up again. We have no money set aside for retirement or anything. It would be nice ( essential ??) if I could make some money for my old age. But does God just want me to live in the present? Do I just wait for Him to show me the plan? I really don’t know if I am doing enough. I worry , but I also trust God.

Well, family calls. Have a blessed day!

21 comments

  1. Oh goodness, Pat, I can relate to so much of what you’re saying . . . because nothing is black or white – there’s a whole lot of grey in between and, like you, my thought processes go round and round in circles trying to come to any sort of conclusion. It’s exhausting!

    I can understand your desire to contribute financially. I did the same as you some years ago on ebay, only with garden plants that I grew myself from seed. I didn’t make much of a profit either because I sold them too cheaply and, often, put extra ones in. lol I enjoyed it though.

    I bet your hubby and your children appreciate everything you do to keep the house going and the children’s education too. That’s no mean feat.

  2. Dear PK,
    I can so relate to how you feel. I remember feeling a lot like you. For some of us, our lives do not follow the prescribed pattern that we think they should. They do not “fit” in to the world’s idea of what our lives should be like.
    We have been called to live differently. Our hope is in heaven and our trust must be in Him both now and in the present. He is faithful and will continue to provide for you and your husband no matter what age you are.
    He will guide you every step of the way. Blessings to you. Valerie

    • Thank you Valerie! I was thinking after I wrote this that God has always provided for me so why would he stop when I get old? 🙂 Sometimes I let other people’s fears about the future get into my head. Blessings to you!

  3. Howdy, i think you mean INFJ right? I looked for INJF but couldnt find it. I am a INFJ, the advocate personality type.

    I have to agree with seekingdivineperspective’s comment about your worth and work.

    Peace to you

  4. Same boat, as you know, but without the constant care of a disabled child. I finally got an outside job, working part time in my son’s cafeteria. It’s a baby step for me, as I am much like you in having issues or a past or something that makes me scared to try things.

    Most at-home jobs like selling things do *not* (DO NOT!) make a profit -for you. There’s no easy money. If you can re-sell or design and photograph a product or easy craft that people want, that you control, that has a high markup, you can make a hefty profit from online commerce.

    • Good for you taking that baby step! How is the covid situation at your school? Don’t worry I am not doing MLM ever again. I once sold craft things that my husband made, but he got tired of making them. So whatever. I will just keep my eyes and ears open and listen to the Holy Spirit.

      • The younger kids’ school has been fine. The middle schoolers are not taking the distancing measures very seriously, although they are keeping masks on and their desks are far apart.

        Listening to the Spirit is a good idea. I do the same.

  5. Oh I hear you. I hear you! I keep worrying about the money situation. We are a paycheck to paycheck family and have no savings. We keep “joking” that the kids are our retirement plan…it’s not a joke though, more like probable reality. We definitely don’t fit the mold of the “standard” American family. I don’t work outside the home, my husband is paid WAY below what he is worth (getting a different job is not an option, not that he doesn’t qualify for a better job, but it’s a complicated family situation with absolutely no other option at the moment), we have “too many” kids, etc. etc. But, I do firmly believe that this is the life God has called us to live. There are parts of it that I don’t like and wish I could change, but I know they are there for a reason (thorn in my side type of stuff). If God wants us here, then He will provide for us. He always has. And my only problem is that I start to worry about stuff. I start to worry about money and what’s going to happen and how we are going to get to this point or that. He is in control. I firmly believe that. I just have to constantly remind myself of that!! 🙂 God Bless!
    P.S. I also keep trying to figure out ways to make some extra money. Just haven’t quite figured out what it is yet! But, I figure if I keep praying about it and keep doing what is in front of me right now (giving myself a pep talk here…) God will show me the way. And I know money isn’t everything, but my goodness, it would be nice to not worry about what happens if my husband suddenly lost his job or what happens if I go over the grocery budget this week. Breathe, pray, repeat! 🙂 God Bless and I will be praying for you and your family!

    • Yes , we are definitely sisters ! In the midst of all this I think it’s important to keep giving to the church as the Lord leads . He always blesses that . 💕💕💕

      • Amen! I have to admit that with all the craziness going on, the giving on this end has been put to the side. I keep meaning to send out a check (we tithe by donating to charities, personal reasons) but then I worry about being short for the month! I will get there….just a matter of getting my head and heart back on track 🙂

  6. I really enjoyed reading this blog post, and the comments on it were the most informative I’ve seen anywhere — they actually said something important other than “good job” or something of the sort. I also caught the inversion of the M-B letters INFJ and attributed it to the FJ part. 🙂 I’m an INTJ. Very rare. It’s one of the four corners of the M-B chart. My understanding is that females are more likely to be FJs and males, TJs. What I wanted to tell you is that I liked and respected your ability to be personal in this post, something I’ve considered doing but haven’t been able to do. Every once in a while it’s probably a good idea to try a personal column. You’ve spurred me on to try it. We’ll see if I can pull it off! God bless you for your sharing.

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