This is a personal blog post. More like a journal. Read on if you want to hear my inner thoughts.
My mom once told me, in response to something I was concerned about, that I am very ‘conscientious’. I think when she said it , she was being nice. She really meant that I am an anxious, over-thinking, worry-wart! Haha! Oh, and she said that many, many years ago. My mom never labeled me as a child, rebellious teen, or anxious new wife and mother with the many labels that I have used on myself, such as fearful, codependent, enabler, addictive personality, obstinate, and all the sub-labels that go with those such as distracted, forgetful, disorganized, scatter-brained, moody, impatient and all that. I also think of myself in more positive terms as non-conformist, freethinker, religious, spiritual, people-person, helper, big picture person, generous, spontaneous, and having endurance. I like working as a team member more than being the leader. If I trust the leader, I am a good follower. But I distrust authority figures that try to control me without respecting my rights to make my own choices. Teachers, doctors, principals, government, and experts have to prove themselves to me to earn my respect. I love learning, but I hate the authoritarian, compulsory public school system. I loved school up until high school when I saw that it was not really serving me anymore. College was great and I wish I could go back.
As for working, it’s complicated. My personality and values do not make it easy for me to find a job that I think is worth doing. I do not like wasting time doing things that I feel are pointless. There is a label for that as well, INFJ. My goal for college was to become a psychologist. Unfortunately, my immaturity, anxiety and childhood co-dependencies and insecurities that I had not yet overcome prevented me from pursuing my masters degree at that time. I was terrified of the process. Now it is just way too expensive for me to do that. If you google INJF, you will see that I am a born counselor, but I also have weaknesses that make me not a great counselor. So I’ve spent my entire life being a counseling friend. I attract and am attracted to people who need help, a listening ear, and advice. But as I’ve matured, I’ve desired that less and less, and actually seek people who do NOT need my help so much, and pursue more equal friendships. However, the tendency is always there to want to help struggling people.
Politically I think you might call me a classical liberal. Based on this definition, yes. I care deeply about people ,and I have learned the hard way that being an enabler is NOT helping people, it’s actually an attempt to control them or shut them up. True love and concern helps people reach their full self-controlled potential. I used to think many Democrat policies were about helping people, but now I see the difference. However, I do not support unbridled greed or monopolies or destroying the water sources or treating people like slaves with no rights. I respect that people have different opinions, beliefs and perspectives but I think there IS a right and wrong in many situations. Truth is NOT relative. Facts and science often change. It is never right to hurt individual people, even if it benefits the group in the long run. Community rights do not trump my individual rights. The state does not CONFER human rights, those are God-given. Yes, I get passionate about my rights, but I will willingly give up my rights for other people if I have the option, but not if I am forced. I’ll give you the shirt off my back, but don’t try to steal it or have the government take it away.
Back to work, which is what spurred me to write today. I often feel like I am not doing enough. Even though I am the main caregiver for my disabled daughter, and homeschooling my two youngest of six children, and a very traditional wife who does all the cooking, cleaning, errands, and whatever my husband needs me to do, I feel like I should be making money somehow. I keep trying to come up with an idea, but I am just not good at that. I sold a bunch of books on ebay over the past few months, but I barely made a profit because I sold them so cheaply. I’ve done odd jobs, babysat, tried to sell MLM products, but never made any real money since I’ve been married. Sigh. I feel bad about that. I am not lazy! I just need someone to get me started. I can’t seen to find my way. Then I think that maybe this is where God wants me and I stop worrying about it for awhile until it comes up again. We have no money set aside for retirement or anything. It would be nice ( essential ??) if I could make some money for my old age. But does God just want me to live in the present? Do I just wait for Him to show me the plan? I really don’t know if I am doing enough. I worry , but I also trust God.
Well, family calls. Have a blessed day!